REVENGE: FINALLY, YOU TOO CAN SNORE (FIVE STEPS IN JUST SIX WEEKS)
Because most snoring cures seem to be like putting a girdle on a fat man – the bulges always come out someplace else – perhaps there really isn’t a cure.
In which case, the only thing you can do is to get revenge: learn to snore yourself. Here are five easy steps you can take to become one of the 90 million snorers who torture their partners. I guarantee sound results and revenge in just six weeks.
Gain 3 to 5 pounds.
If you don’t snore, it’s because your soft palate doesn’t have enough tissue to make noise. So, how do you get the extra tissue? It’s easy: get fat. When you overeat, your face, neck, tongue and palate get fat too.
There are side benefits to this approach: the fun of gaining weight, and the look of horror on your partner’s face when, not only do you snore like Jesse Ventura, you look like him.
Smoke and drink before bedtime.
Anything that interferes with those same soft palate tissues will increase your chances of snoring. Smoking and antihistamines, which irritate the palate, and alcohol which relaxes the palate, do it the best.
Imagine your partner’s surprise when, after you have finished a 5,000-calorie meal (to get fat, remember), you stumble into bed to enjoy a smoke, a cocktail and a Nyquil, all while lying proudly on your back. You should be snoring like a rhino; and even if you’re not, at the very least, your partner will be very annoyed.
Grow your uvula and tongue.
If you have a skinny, normal uvula or tongue, you probably won’t snore. This means you have no choice but to grow them. This takes practice and exercise – 15 minutes, three times every day.
Move your tongue twenty times to the right, twenty to the left, then up, down, in to the back of your throat and then out. Now do the same with your uvula – right, left, up, down, in and out.
I guarantee that in three weeks your tongue and uvula will be enlarged and you’ll be snoring; if not, invite your partner to watch. Either way he won’t want to sleep with you.
Use a Start-Snoring Device.
You can try enlarging your tonsils or adenoids through hypnosis. You can have silicone implants placed into your nasal passages or stick beans up your nose to constrict your breathing.
You can wear a Tongue Enlarging Device (TED) or a Mandibular Promoting Device (MPD) that closes that back of your throat to promote snoring. You can wear a clothes pin on your nose to foster mouth-breathing.
You can buy homeopathic sprays that irritate your throat with the essence of cactus, caffeine and tree bark. You can irrigate your nose with vinegar or gargle with tacks. Or you can buy the Continuous Vacuum Airway Pressure (CVAP) machine, which fits on your face like a pilot’s mask and sucks air from your throat, forcing you to gag and snore.
Try Microchipplasty (MCP).
If all else fails, and you still don’t snore, there is an experimental procedure known as microchipplasty (MCP) that installs a sound-producing microchip into your larynx. Pioneered by a sound lab in Sweden, MCP has proven to be effective in 98 percent of its clinical trials.
The chip is activated by the REM cycle when you sleep, and mimics snoring by stimulating your pharynx with one of 10 pre-recorded snores, randomly selected throughout the night at varying decibel levels.
You can even have celebrity snores programmed. Orson Welles and the Three Stooges have been the most popular to date. Pick your snores. Set your decibel levels. Dial up your frequency. You’re snoring now.
“Finally, a cure for snoring that really works.”